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House

Stupid Dog

Jun 4, 2021

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A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

“An’ wot’s this then?” he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher’s shins.

“You dumb dog.” As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef].

The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that’s been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him.

The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. “Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who’ll know?”

Again, the dog growls menacingly. “Alright, alright,” as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor.

The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog’s owner screams at the dog. “Hey, what are you doing? That’s a really smart dog you’ve got there,” comments the butcher. “He’s a stupid dog–that’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his key.

Too Drunk

Jun 3, 2021

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A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”

“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

Remember The Days

Jun 3, 2021

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A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note

A window was something you hated to clean…

Ram was the cousin of a goat…

Meg was the name of my girlfriend

Gig was a job for the nights

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age

A cd was a bank account

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file

If you unzipped anything in public, you’ be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider’s home

A virus was the flu

I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they wish they were dead

Respect for Living Things

Jun 3, 2021

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A man and his little boy were walking through the park when a honeybee landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. The father gave him a lecture about having respect for living things and added, “Just for that you can’t have any honey for two weeks!”.

Pretty soon a butterfly landed near them. The boy ran over and stomped on it. Again, the father gave him a lecture and added, “Just for that you can’t have any butter for two weeks!”.

When they got home, they went into the kitchen, and a cockroach ran across the floor. The mother ran over and stomped on it. The boy said to his father, “Well do you want to tell her, or shall I?”.

Fishing License

Jun 3, 2021

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After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I’m ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the trout back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket.”

The fisherman turns to the officer and says, “What fish?”

Ashes to Ashes

Jun 3, 2021

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After several years of marriage, Debbie’s husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike’s ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

“Mike, my beloved Mike,” she began, “I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

“And, Mike,” she continued, “do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?

“Well,” Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike’s ashes into the air, “there’s that blow job I was promising you.”