Thursday, December 1, 2022
Animal Jokes

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She Read Slow Jokes Times

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.”

Sceptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”

The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'”

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Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women Jokes Times

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don’t cry.

A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

Dogs don’t shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog’s parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs can’t talk.

Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

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Bilingual Job Jokes Times

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual”. The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow”.

Seeing Eye Dog Jokes Times

A blind woman was out walking with her seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the woman’s leg.

Bending down, the blind woman stretched out her hand and patted the dog’s head.

Having watched what happened, a passer by said, “Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”

“I know,” said the blind woman, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt.”

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Pianists Monkey Jokes Times

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?”

The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”

Gorilla on the Tree Jokes Times

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

“Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks. “Boy,” is the man’s response.

“Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,” says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.

He then gives the man some instructions: “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off.

The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.” The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”

The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.”

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