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What I Want in a Man

Jul 31, 2020

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What I Want In A Man, Original List… (at age 22)

Handsome
Charming
Financially Successful
A Caring Listener
Witty
In Good Shape
Dresses with Style
Appreciates the Finer Things
Full of Thoughtful Surprises
An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List… (at age 42)

Not too ugly
Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
Works steady
Doesn’t nod off while I’m emoting
Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
Shaves on weekends

Arab Love Donkey

Jul 22, 2020

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One day an Israeli soldier at the checkpoint on the military highway addressed the Arab riding along on his donkey, his wife trudging along before him. “I’ve been watching you go by every morning for months,” the guard commented. “And you always ride and your wife is always on foot. Why is that?”

“Wife no have donkey,” replied the Arab with a shrug. “I see. But why does she walk in front of you? Is that a custom of your people?”

The Arab shook his head. “Land mines,” he explained.

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM

Jul 16, 2020

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The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM Jokes Times

Man going to ATM

Pull up to ATM
Insert card
Enter PIN number
Take cash, card, and receipt
Walk away

Woman going to ATM

Pull up to ATM
Back up and pull forward to get closer
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car because she is to far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Insert card
Locate grocery receipt in purse with PIN number
Enter PIN
Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
Hit “cancel”
Reenter Correct PIN number
Check balance
Look for envelope
Go through purse for ink pen
Make out deposit slip
Study instructions again
Endorse check
Make deposit
Make cash withdrawal
Get back into car
Check makeup in mirror
Look for keys in purse
Start car
Check makeup again
Start pulling away from ATM
Stop
Back up to machine
Get out of car
Retrieve card and receipt
Get back into car
Put card in wallet
Put receipt in checkbook
Enter deposit and withdrawal into checkbook
Clear space in purse for wallet and checkbook
Check makeup
Put car in reverse
Put car in drive
Drive away from machine
Drive 3 miles down the road
Release the parking brake

Solve Medicare Coverage Problem

Jul 16, 2020

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Solve Medicare Coverage Problem Jokes Times

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello, Mrs. Sanders, please.’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’

Baby Airplanes

Jun 28, 2020

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A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines fromKansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big airplanes have baby airplanes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. Thestewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, “Did your Mom tell you to ask me?”

The boy said, “yes she did.”

“Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you.”