Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day…
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give a Man a Fish
Cat Calls
A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady.
“Yes, it is,” replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”
“Well, sort of,” said the elderly lady, “There’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.”
“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”
“Well, it should,” said the vet, “It stopped ME!”
Posh Department Store
A couple went to Chicago for a visit, the wife was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from their hotel.
The husband obligingly hailed a cab. “The lady wants to go to ‘the posh department store'” he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at them. “And the gentleman?” he asked, “Does he want to go to the bank?”
AOL Prank Calls
Actual recorded Prank calls to AOL
Call placed to 1-800-4-ONLINE, the number to order an AOL startup kit.
::::::::ring::::::::
AOL: America Online, this is Diane speaking.
Me: Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.
AOL: Okay sir what’s your question?
Me: Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called “cybersex”… does this cost extra?
AOL: :::quiet laugh in the background::: Well sir…I don’t know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.
Me: Oh really? My friends said they got it from AOL.
AOL: Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat room.
Me: Humm…I don’t understand, what is cybersex??
AOL: I’m sorry I really don’t know how to explain it.
Me: Humm..well, have you ever had cybersex?
AOL: Sir I don’t think that’s an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?
Me: Sorry, like I said I don’t even know what it is.
AOL: That’s okay sir, anything else?
Me: Yes, I have one more question.
AOL: Go ahead
Me: What are you wearing?
Bitter Men Say
Bitter men say the cutest things.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was nearly impossible.
A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful
house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! …
it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “Awww, my wife
found out.”
Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
bald and still think they are beautiful.
I Like How You Think
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”
Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”
Johnny then asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?”
The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.”
Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”
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