Thursday, October 29, 2020
Travel Jokes

One of These Days Jokes Times

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”

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Bad News Good News Jokes Times

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have a bad news and a good news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”

Cow on Track Jokes Times

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.

“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

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Aussie Flight Simulator Jokes Times

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO’s Land Operations/Simulation division.

They’d been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter’s position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icons, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they demonstrated this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots decided to get “down and dirty” with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzzed them, and watched them scatter. The visiting Americans nodded appreciatively… then gaped as the kangaroos ducked around a hill, and launched about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. The programmers looked rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove *that* part of the infantry coding… and the Americans left muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife….

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place….

Mongolian VD Jokes Times

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.

You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”

“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”

The Night Train Jokes Times

A man and an attractive woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s pretend we’re married”

“Hey, terrific idea!”, says the eager man.

“Good”, she replies, “GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!”

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