Thursday, December 1, 2022
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E-mail Truths Jokes Times

NOW REPEAT AFTER ME …

I will NOT have bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear music, or see a cool pop up screen if I don’t forward this.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money.

Victoria’s Secret does NOT know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me, and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don’t know who I am anyway.

I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this …. NEVER!!!!

My phone will NOT mysteriously ring after I forward this.

There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am NOT STUPID ENOUGH to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything. Maybe he did when he was 7 years old, but he is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!

The government does NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

Laytex Gloves Jokes Times

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.

He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”

She said, “No?”

“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.

Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands!

Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make Laytex Condoms

Jet Fuel Jokes Times

A couple of drinkin’ buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at SFO; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel – that’ll kinda give you a buzz.”

So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin’ buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good, in fact, he feels great! NO hangover!

The phone rings, it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?” He says, “I feel great!!” and his buddy says, “I feel great too!! You don’t have a hangover?” and he says, “No – that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover! We ought to do this more often!” “Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing…”

“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“What??”
“Did you FART yet??”
“No…”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in another country!!”

Hospital Trolley Jokes Times

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.

She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.

The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat.

The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea.We’re just painting the corridor.”

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Printer Tech Support Jokes Times

A Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when he had a customer call with a problem on her printer that he just couldn’t solve.

The customer could not print yellow on her printer. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled the tech support because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. He had the customer change ink cartridges. He had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. He asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, he was about to tell the customer to send the printer in for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”

30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life Jokes Times

1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2.You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4.You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5.You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7.You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9.You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10.You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11.You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13.You back up your data every day.

14.Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18.You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23.Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24.You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

30.You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

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