Wednesday, October 28, 2020
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Sunburn Jokes Times

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen.

The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony.

He says to the doctor, “Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?”

So the doctor says, “Yes, I’ll prescribe you some Viagra”.

“Viagra?” says the poor guy. “How will that help my sunburn?”.

“It won’t help your sunburn much” says the doctor, “but at least it’ll keep the sheets off it!”

Special Dinner Jokes Times

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.”

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Your Place or Mine Jokes Times

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a “good time.”

“Look,” says the woman, “what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!”

“OK,” replies Joe, “so how many does it take?”

The Search for the Perfect Man Jokes Times

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive, ran away from her, or were horrible in bed. So she put an ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:

A) would treat her nicely
B) wouldn’t run away from her
C) would be good in bed

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn’t a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. Then one day she heard the doorbell ring.

She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.

The man said, “I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”

The woman replied, ‘Yes, but are you good in bed?’

And the man said with a smirk on his face, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

Special Ocassion Jokes Times

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the “good old days.”

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?” “Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied. “Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I’m thinking about going down there again to pick her up.”

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