Saturday, April 20, 2024
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Little Mouse Jokes Times

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 feet when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse.

After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: “Tail gunner to pilot… Tail gunner to pilot.”

The eagle says “what do you want?”

The mouse asks how high up they are. The eagle thinks for a moment and then says “ohh about 5,000 feet.

“The mouse then replies “You wouldn’t be sh*ttin me now would ya??”

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You Take Over Jokes Times

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

Canine Unit Jokes Times

The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a lady was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the lady ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, ‘I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!’

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Hormone Hostage Jokes Times

Every “Hormone Hostage” knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t over do it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe.

Becoming a Real Man Jokes Times

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That’s right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR:
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS – Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn’t End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What’s Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You’re Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What’s Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR:

Autumn Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest – You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise – Especially Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives
EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

Marriage Humor Jokes TImes

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

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