First snake: I hope I’m not poisonous.
Second snake: Why?
First snake: Because I bit my lip!
Poisonous or Not
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A Shave and a Shine
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.” The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”
She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.
The cowboy said, “Tell him your working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”
Dating vs Marriage
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband…… at all time
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and ask “What are you going to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ….You think to yourself….”Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you …for no reason
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
When you are dating….. He understands if you “aren’t in the mood”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare
When you are dating….. He calls you by name
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.
Dad, Where Did I Come From?
CHILD : Dad, where did I come from?
DAD : Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!…… So why not now
DAD : Okay,
Now Listen…. Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dads memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, We discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!.
CHILD : Huh?
Computer Women
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.!!!
B… WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can’t do anything right, but you can’t live without her.
C… EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
D… SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
E… INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!
F… SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
G… MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
H… CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
I… E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
J… VIRUS Woman: Also known as “WIFE”; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don’t try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
Unlucky Nun
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”
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