Wednesday, August 12, 2020
Home Jokes

Footless Parrot Jokes Times

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?” The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”

The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.” The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”

The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.” The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.” The guy says “What’s up?” The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.” The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.” The guy says “He did??!” The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.” The guy says “My God, what happened next???!!!”

The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

Fourth Marriage Jokes Times

“Tomorrow I’m getting married for the fourth time,” said Joe happily.

“What happened to your first three wives?” asked his friend Jeff.

“My first wife ate poison mushrooms,” replied Joe.

“How terrible!” exclaimed Jeff. “And your second wife?”

“She ate poison mushrooms.”

“And your third ate poison mushrooms, too?” asked Jeff.

“Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.” stated Joe.

“I see, an accident.” replied Jeff.

“Not exactly,” said Joe. “She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.”

Dogs and Cats Jokes Times

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!

Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill Jokes Times
  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
  4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

Sex Maniac Mouse Jokes Times

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

“Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.”

“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”

Give Me a Push Jokes Times

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push??”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the nice thing to help him.”

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:

“Hey, do you still want a push??” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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