Friday, June 5, 2020
Home Jokes

Things You Did Not Need Jokes Times

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”

“Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yoursthat you don’t fit into anymore.”

“Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are!”

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Painting House Jokes Times

Temperature was hitting new high during mid year. Despite the scorching heat, Mark was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, “How come you are wearing two jackets?”

Mark replies, “Because, the directions on this can of paint says put on two coats!”

At Home Sick Jokes Times

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.

“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.

“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”

Things Mother Taught Me... Jokes Times

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.”

And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

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The Talking Clock Jokes Times

After moving to a new apartment, Sam invited his friends over for a dinner. After the late dinner, Sam proudly showing off his new apartment to his friends.

While he led the way passing the living room, one of his friends asked. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for”. Sam replied, “That is my new talking clock”. His friend asked how it works. Sam said, “Watch”, then he proceed to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall… “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It’s already 11pm.”

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That's the Spirit Jokes Times

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”

The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

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