Friday, August 19, 2022
Home Jokes

Special Dinner Jokes Times

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.”

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Bathroom Scale Jokes Times

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale sucking in his ample stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, “I don’t think that is going to help much, honey?”

“Sure it does,” he said. “How else can I see the numbers!”

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Custer's Last Thoughts Jokes Times

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed.”

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed the billionaire.

“Why, that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.

“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”

“And there you have it,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'”

Cold Cream Jokes Times

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie. “Giving up?”

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