Health Care

Jun 5, 2021

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The Queen of England is touring an American Hospital with the Surgeon General.

As they walk through the corridors she looks into a patient’s room. In the room, is a man laying on his bed masturbating. “Oh my stars! What on earth is going on in there?!” exclaimed the Queen.

The Surgeon General replied, “Why mam, this man has a serious testicle disorder, if he does not relieve himself this way at least five times a day, they will fill up with semen and explode.” “Oh, the poor dear!” the Queen said sorrowfully.

Further up the hall the queen looks into another patient’s room and there is a man laying on his bed with a nurse giving him a blow job!

“That’s disgusting!” exclaimed the queen, “What’s going on in there?!”

The Surgeon General replied, “same problem, better health plan.”

Fifty Years of Savings

Jun 5, 2021

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The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”

“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money.

All I Want Is…

Jun 5, 2021

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When I was in junior. high, all I wanted was a girl with big tits. In high school, I dated a girl with big tits, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

Dumb Kid

Jun 5, 2021

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Programmer and Engineer

Jun 5, 2021

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A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.

“Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!

“This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the airplane’s phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Still frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Who’s Phone???

Jun 5, 2021

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A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

“Hi honey,” said the woman on the other end. “Hi honey,” replied the man.

“I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It’s beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It’s on sale too, a real bargain. It’s down to $2,000 from $4,000. Can I get it?” the woman asked. The man thought about it for a sec and said, “You’re sure it’s a good deal?” “Oh yes,” the woman replied. “Okay then, I guess you can get it,” replied the man.

The woman continued, “Oh, and you know how we’ve been thinking about rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he’d lower the price from $200,000 to $180,000 just for me. Can I get it?” The man thought a little harder and said, “If you’re sure it’s a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar.”

The woman continued again, “Oh, one last thing honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we’d wait and think about? Well, it’s on the market again, so I checked the price. It’s down to $980,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?”

The man got a frown on his face and said, “See if you can get down to $950,000. If they’ll go down to that, go ahead and get it.” The woman was extremely excited. “Okay honey, thank you so much! I’ll see you when I get home! Bye!”

“Bye,” said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”