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House

Unexpected Childbirth

Jun 3, 2021

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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place…… smack his butt again!”

Footless Parrot

Jun 3, 2021

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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?” The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”

The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.” The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”

The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.” The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.” The guy says “What’s up?” The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”

The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.” The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.” The guy says “He did??!” The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.” The guy says “My God, what happened next???!!!”

The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

Buying Alligator Shoes

Jun 3, 2021

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A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes.

However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own “croc!,” to which the shopkeeper replied, “by all means, just watch out for those two “ole boys” who are doing the same!”.

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the ‘ole boys’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them.

The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying.

Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed “Darn! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”.

Dogs and Cats

Jun 3, 2021

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A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a God!

Dead Rabbit

Jun 3, 2021

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One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor’s daughter’s rabbit. For years I Had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon Finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as “natural causes”.Within the hour, the neighbour’s car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only thistime she stopped about six feet away andscreamed “DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am, I Rushed to fence and asked if there was anythingI could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, “What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl’s dead rabbit and put it back in it’s cage?”

That’s the Cue

Jun 3, 2021

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?”

The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”