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Time

Poor Turtle

Jun 6, 2021

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A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.

After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”

The Bar Bet

Jun 6, 2021

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There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you a bettin’ man?”

The bartender replied, “Certainly! I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “I’ll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye.”

The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave his bar.

A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you still a bettin’ man?” The bartender replied, “Certainly! I told you I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “I’ll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye.”

Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his bar.

A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, are you still a bettin’ man?” The bartender said, although with a little caution this time, “Certainly! I told you I’m ALWAYS a bettin’ man!” To which the man said, “Give me a shot of whiskey.” The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the bar he said, “I’ll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass right where it lays and not miss a drop.”

Well, the bartender’s eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win! “Agreed!” he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man’s bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.

Well, the man just let loose and piss flew EVERYPLACE! Not so much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man, “Why did you bet me $500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn’t any possible way to do it??”

The man just smiled and told him, “You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would just laugh!”

Japanese Travel to New York

Jun 6, 2021

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There was a Japanese man who went to New York for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a taxi and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda Civic drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the Japanese man told the taxi driver. “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”

After a while, a Toyota Camry sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man told the taxi driver. “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!”

And then a Mitsubishi Lancer sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese man told the taxi driver. “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”

Finally the taxi reach the airport. The fare shown on the meter was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, “Wah… so expensive!”. Thereupon, the taxi driver said. “Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!”

How To Be A Good Husband

Jun 6, 2021

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He consistently spills things in the same location as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet.

He sees to it that he doesn’t always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots.

He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.

He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-a-row.

He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.

Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a “date” or family home evening (where applicable).

Has learned all of the childrens’ names so that he doesn’t have to refer to them as, “Hey, you there”.

Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, “Its definitely an interesting dress.”

Car Porch

Jun 6, 2021

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One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighbourhood. The lady of the house answers. “Pardon Mam, I’m out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need to be done. I’m very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting…”

“Painting?” the woman jumped in. “Oh, yes, Ma’am! I’m a very careful painter,” the man replied, his face brightening at the realisation she could provide him some work. “I’ll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, byt we haven’t had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I’ll pay you an extra bonus.”

“Oh yes, Ma’am, I’ll do an excellent job!” He was told the paints were also around the back in the garage. An a few hours later, the man returns to the door. “That was quick, did you do a good job?” the woman inquires. “Oh yes Ma’am, two coats! But there’s something you should know,” the man says. “That’s not a Porsche, That’s a Mercedes!”

Outhouse

Jun 6, 2021

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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”