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Time

One in a Billion

Jun 5, 2021

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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?” The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance.

Maybe one in five hundred thousand.” She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?” Again he went through his tables. “Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

The Motivation

Jun 5, 2021

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A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son…

“When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”

Babysitter

Jun 4, 2021

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A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

Efficiency Expert

Jun 4, 2021

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A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife’s routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.

“After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy,” the man
reported, “taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time.”

“Did it work?”, the teacher asked.

“It sure did,” replied the businessman, “instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven.”

Unlucky Nun

Mar 11, 2021

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk.

When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.

Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?”