Wednesday, October 28, 2020
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Time

Special Dinner Jokes Times

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. “Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time!” she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. “Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself.”

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Your Place or Mine Jokes Times

Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a “good time.”

“Look,” says the woman, “what do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!”

“OK,” replies Joe, “so how many does it take?”

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Can't Find Printer Jokes Times

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’.

I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

The Secret to Making a Marriage Last Jokes Times

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.

  1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
  2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in N.Y.
  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
  7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the lake.”
  8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
  9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

Too Excited to Date Jokes Times

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn’t interested.

Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!

She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday.

Finally, Friday came.

As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 O’Clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. “Hi Mikey!” she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, “Suzie you look beautiful!!”

Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door – then IT hit her.

Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he’s just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the Car.

Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date”.

The Rancher's Wife Jokes Times

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o’clock came and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.” He did so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.” He did.

“Now take off my skirt.” He did.

“Now take off my bra.” Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, “Don’t you ever wear my clothes to town again!”

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