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Short Changed

Jun 5, 2021

0 284

A man went to the doctor and said, “Doctor, I’ve got a problem, but if you’re going to treat it, first you’ve got to promise not to laugh.”

“Of course I won’t laugh,” the doctor said. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay then,” the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen.”

10 Years is a Long Time

Jun 5, 2021

0 139

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.The snail looks up and says, “What the hell was that all about?”

Jesus is watching you

Jun 5, 2021

0 194

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.”

Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot.

What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus.”

That Darn Cat

Jun 5, 2021

0 276

A man who absolutely hated his wife’s cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answers: “Put that damn cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”

Hospital Ghost

Jun 5, 2021

0 568

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost.”