One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate.
“Whatcha doin?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.”
“That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?” asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your f*ckin’ cat!’
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, “Mom am I a real polar bear?” “Of course you are.” His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. “Dad, am I a real polar bear?” “Yes, you are a real polar bear.”
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?” “Yes” said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are all my relatives real polar bears?” “Yes, they are all real polar bears,” said his parents.
“Why do you ask?” replied his mother. “Because,” said the young polar bear,”I’m freezing!”
A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.
“Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over 5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn.
“The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse’s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
“Oh, you don’t want that horse,” said the farmer. “Yes I do,” said the salesman, “and I’ll give you $10,000 for the horse.
“Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, “He’s yours.”
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, “By the way, why wouldn’t I want your horse?” “Because,” said the farmer, “he’s a liar – he hasn’t won a race in his life.”
A scientist had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as “she” and “her”. He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts.
The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him.
Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that.
He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days.
On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again.
Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says “For Christ’s sake, what do you want now?” The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.
When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle’s prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown — with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
Bill tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music–anything he could think of to try and set a good example… Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming…
Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill’s extended arm and said, “I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs.”
Bill was completely astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what the chicken did?”
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