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New Bats in the Cave

Jun 5, 2021

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Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.” The first bats replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood elsewhere.” He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave, Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?” “Yes,” the other bat answers. “Well'” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

The Honeymoon’s Over

Jun 5, 2021

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A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!”

Absolutely Nothing

Jun 5, 2021

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

Another Beer

Jun 5, 2021

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One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.

Frank had just bought another beer and he didn’t want anyone else to drink it.

So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: “I spit in my beer.”

When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: “I spit in your beer, too!”

Loving Couples

Jun 5, 2021

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One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.

Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, “could you pass the honey honey?” to whom his wife, hands over the honey.

Then, the husband from Kansas says ” Could you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes him the sugar.

The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says “Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?”

You Would Too

Jun 5, 2021

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Look at that speed! said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. “Hmph!” snorted the other. “You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!”