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Penguins in the Back Seat

Jun 5, 2021

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A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back
seat?”

The man in the car says, “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven’t a clue.”

The clerk ponders a bit then says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

“Hey, they’re still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!”

“Oh, I did,” says the driver, “and we had a swell time. Today I’m taking them to the beach.”

Stranded on a Desert Island

Jun 5, 2021

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A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!”

“What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. ‘”We weren’t making love.”

“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.” Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”

You’re Fine

Jun 5, 2021

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“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. “Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

Medical Test Mix Up

Jun 5, 2021

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Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.

The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”

“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.

“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”

“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

You Never Learn Nothin

Jun 5, 2021

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A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, “Why does the boat float? The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.”

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father repied. “Don’t rightly know son.”

Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” The father replied, “Of course not, if you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”

Hi-Tech

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

He starts dialling numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighbourhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.

The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “Prove it.” The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.

“That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the neighbourhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.

The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”

The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”