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Sam and John

Jun 6, 2021

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Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off.

Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon said, “You’re in luck! I’m an expert at reattaching limbs!

Come back in four hours.” So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, “I got done faster than I expected to.

John is down at the local pub.” Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off.

Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, “Legs are a little tougher – come back in six hours.”

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s down at the soccer field.”

Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.

The surgeon said, “Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours.” So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, “I’m sorry, John died.” Sam said, “I understand – heads are tough.”

The surgeon said, “Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!”

Candle Light Dinner

Jun 6, 2021

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David was not a very romantic person, and furthermore, he does not have much experience in candle light dinner with any girls. But he wanted to impress the girl he like, so he date her out to a candle light dinner.

During the dinner, he watches other couples around them, trying to follow their leads to sweet talk to the girl. He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his girl-friends cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?”. David thought this was a great and continued to listen to other couples around the restaurant.

Another table sits another couple and the man spooned out some honey out to a bowl for his girl-friend and asked, “honey, honey?”. Again David thought this was good idea.

Finally, David’s table food were served. He cuts off a piece of his pork chop, stared longingly into the girl’s eye and said, “Ham, Pig?”

Railroad

Jun 6, 2021

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A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

Watermelons Farm

Jun 6, 2021

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There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”

Prison vs Housewife

Jun 6, 2021

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In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat
it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can
spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again
because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control
and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane and Spot and
worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the
next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of
papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and
then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after
your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in
your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and
what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to
keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till
you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s and
get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make
sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and
then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you
to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home…stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden

Jun 6, 2021

0 931

God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden Jokes Times

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

“Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well … you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring … So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret…

“You know, woman to woman.”