Thursday, September 20, 2018
Tags Posts tagged with "Police"

Police

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If AOL were a City Jokes Times

If AOL were a City

– You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

– You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

– Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99

– The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

– 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and offers from www.girlies.com

– The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

– The local post office wouldn’t forward your mail to you when you moved.

– The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

– If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how “really important you are to us.”

– The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

– Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

– Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream, “M/F??!!,” AGE/SEX?!?!, “WHAT ARE YOUR STATS,” or “WANNA GET LUCKY?”

– Those who didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”

– Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming “WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE.”

– Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

– Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.

– You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fault.

– Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

– Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.

– You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

– You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.

– The administration would secretly sell off chunks of the city’s land, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

– The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and advertise that children can play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and accosting the children playing there.

– Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies cannot get out “for safety reasons,” and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in.

– The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

– Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY!! YOU DO WANT AN AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no.” The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW.”

– A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom, 2 patches, commercial pics of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g.

– Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

– Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

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Brussels Police Jokes Times

“Brussels police department, how may I assist you?”

“Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”

“Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”

“No”

“Well, let me get a little information about you for our records.
Your name?”

“Bill Gates”

“Country?”

“USA”

“Native language?”

“English”

“Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please
use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in
the face with a pie?”

“Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One
person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”

“We’ve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with
a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”

“Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any
custard, so I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”

“Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”

“Yes”

“Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”

“No”

“Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”

“Yes”

“Any pies then?”

“No”

“Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come
in again. I’ll wait.”

“Just a minute..” “Okay, I’m back.”

“Did you get hit by another pie?”

“Of course not”

“Well sir, I don’t know what could have caused the first pie, but it
looks like things are working fine now. I’ll make a note of the
problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details
of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the
Brussels Police Department. “

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Twenty Penguins Jokes Times

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.” The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

It is Friday Jokes Times

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

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Funny Windows Messages for 2006 Jokes Times

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6. Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now?(Y/Y)”

7. This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world.Please log off.”

8. To “shut down” your system, type “WIN”

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &PAPER.SYS)

16. User Error: Replace user.

17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way

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Bus Accident Jokes Times

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, “What were the people doing on the bus?” The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”. The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh??!” The chief continues, “Okay, were they doing anything else?” The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?” The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

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