Wednesday, July 2, 2025
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Expensive Date Jokes Times

A horny college kid borrowed his roommate’s car, scraped together every penny he could find, picked up his date at her parent’s house, and took her to a nice restaurant for dinner. But he got more and more upset when she proceeded to order everything pricey on the menu: fancy mixed drinks, lobster, champagne, the works.

Finally, he couldn’t stay silent any more, and blurted, “Does your mother feed you like this at home?”

“Nope,” she replied with a demure smile, “but my mom’s not trying to get laid either.”

Power Outage Jokes Times

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……… smack his ass again!”

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Dont you Start that Again Jokes Times

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is.” the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“No thanks.” the man replies.
“I think you want to buy a baseball” the little extortionist continues.
“Okay. How much?” the man replies, after considering the position he is in.
“Twenty-five dollars.” the little boy replies.
“Twenty-five dollars!” the repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

“It’s dark in her, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“Yes it is.” replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“Okay. How much this time!” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“Fifty dollars.” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them.” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars.” the little boy says. “Seventy-five dollars! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness.” the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtains, sits down, and says “It’s dark in her, isn’t it?” The priest says… ” Don’t you start that crap in here now!”

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Jobs, Satan Announce Deal Jokes Times

August 6, 1997: “The era of competition between good and evil is over,” Steve Jobs told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. “We have to let go of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish.”

In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community, Jobs announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil.

During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff’s souls, at the current market price. “I have Lucifer’s word that he will not use his control over these souls to influence the direction we take in any way.” Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole years.

The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing major pestilences for the Mac platform — including Office 98 — for at least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.

Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.

In the wake of the announcement, Apple’s stock leapt 30 pieces of silver over the previous day’s high.

Serving at a Desert Outpost Jokes Times

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!” The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters.

The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

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