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Dictionary of Dating

Jun 6, 2021

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ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER – a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

Taking Pills

Jun 6, 2021

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A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.

The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”

The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Viagra

Jun 6, 2021

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In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a genericname. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is call edamoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Hear Me Out

Jun 6, 2021

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While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”

“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.”

The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”

The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”

Constipation Horse

Jun 5, 2021

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Farmer Gossman goes to the vet and says,”My horse is constipated.”

The vet says, “Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse’s ass, and blow the pill up there.”

Farmer Gossman comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, “What happened?”

Farmer Gossman says, “The horse blew first.”

Excessive Flatulence

Jun 5, 2021

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A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulence, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now.

So the doctor took down all her medical history, a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, “You see, doctor, while I’ve been sitting here talking to you, I’ve broken wind five times, but there’s no sound and no smell.”

At this point, the doctor scribbled something on a paper, ripped off the sheet and handed it to the woman. The woman asked, “What’s this? Some pills?” The doctor replied, “No, that is the prescription for a hearing aid. Also an appointment for next week to operate on your nose.”