A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. “Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?”
“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.
“But then when I have a baby,” the teenager pondered, “won’t it knock all my teeth out?”
An Arizona cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation down here! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you served yesterday!”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”
A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, “Doctor, please come quickly. My Husband just swallowed a mouse and he’s gagging and thrashing about.”
“I’ll be right over,” the doctor said, “In the meanwhile, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.”
When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband’s mouth.
“Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.”
“I know, doc,” she replied, “but first I’ve to get the darn cat out of him!”
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?” The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”
The bartender says, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.
No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.
If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.
Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.
Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.
You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.
Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.
A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.
Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.
Women like the simpler things in life – like men.
Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.
Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.
It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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