Monday, April 23, 2018
Men & Women

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Computer Women Jokes Times

A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.!!!

B… WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can’t do anything right, but you can’t live without her.

C… EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

D… SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

E… INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!

F… SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

G… MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

H… CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

I… E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

J… VIRUS Woman: Also known as “WIFE”; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don’t try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

Perfect Mate Jokes Times

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. “The man I marry must be a shining light among company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, “Lady, what you really want is a television set!”

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Benefits of Being a Woman Jokes Times

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we crash our computers.

Our boy friend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the picture).

We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE are gay.

We know The Truth about whether size matters.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

If we have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, we’re not the devil.

If we’re not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.

Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep (Ouch)

It’s possible to live our whole lives without taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

If we’re dumb, some people will still find it cute.

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to socially fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves – and coordinate.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. (Weeeeeelllll…..that depends!)

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

There are times when chocolate really can solve your problems.

Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

We’ll never discover we’ve been dumped by a Wonderbra.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

Efficiency Expert Jokes Times

A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife’s routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.

“After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy,” the man
reported, “taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time.”

“Did it work?”, the teacher asked.

“It sure did,” replied the businessman, “instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven.”

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Guy Jokes Jokes Times

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook — they eat; we clean — they dirty; we iron — they wrinkle.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says…”

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

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