Thursday, November 23, 2017
Men & Women

Efficiency Expert Jokes Times

A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife’s routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.

“After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy,” the man
reported, “taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time.”

“Did it work?”, the teacher asked.

“It sure did,” replied the businessman, “instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes ME just seven.”

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Man & Woman Jokes Times

Women

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a “safe at home call” from a friend after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff.

Sex Drive Jokes Times

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

Perfect Mate Jokes Times

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. “The man I marry must be a shining light among company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, “Lady, what you really want is a television set!”

Men Who Remember Jokes Times

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears to be in deep though, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues… “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years.” “I remember that too,” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”

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Dogs vs. Men Jokes Times

1. How dogs and men are the same

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Neither tells you what is bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone
Neither understands what you see in cats

2. How dogs are better than men

Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you are gone
Dogs feel guilt when they have done something wrong
Dogs do not criticise your friends
Dogs admit when they are jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they NEVER laugh at
the way you throw)
Dogs do not feel threatened by your intelligence
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
You are never suspicious of your dogs dreams
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. OK, the WORST
disease is rabies, but there is a vaccine for it, and you get to kill
the one that gives it to you
Dogs understand what NO means
Dogs understand when some of their friends can not come inside
Middle-aged dogs do not feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner
Dogs admit it when they are lost
Dogs are colour blind
Dogs are not threatened if you earn more than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you

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