Monday, February 19, 2018
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Do not Step on Ducks Jokes Times

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes then saying, “you can do as you please in here, just don’t step on any ducks.”

The women are puzzled buy proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere.

In a matter of minutes, one of the woman steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to that woman with a very ugly man. Saint Peter then shackles that man and woman together and says, “for stepping on the duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”

The other two women are shocked buy go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately, Saint Peter came and shackles her with another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on any duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the last woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man.

Saint Peter then shackles the woman to this man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says, “I don’t know what I did to deserve to be shackles with such a handsome man like you.” The man replies, “I don’t know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.”

Birthday Party Jokes Times

This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and she unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn.

She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, “What you friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing.

Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

The bum replies, “Well, I dunno. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50. WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

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Outrun It Jokes Times

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing?” He says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.” The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.” The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”

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5 Story Hotel Jokes Times

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

Visit to the Doctor Jokes Times

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

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What is Your Wife Jokes Times

A non-Christian with zero knowledge in Christianity goes to Vatican for the first time and suddenly meets the Pope in the street. The Pope, the kind person that he really is, took the man aside and explained him all about Christianity for half an hour. When he was done, the non-Christian guy says to him “So Mr. Pope, is your wife a Catholic or a Prostitute?”

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