Saturday, June 23, 2018
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Dogs vs. Men Jokes Times

1. How dogs and men are the same

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Neither tells you what is bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
Neither does any dishes
Both fart shamelessly
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone
Neither understands what you see in cats

2. How dogs are better than men

Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you are gone
Dogs feel guilt when they have done something wrong
Dogs do not criticise your friends
Dogs admit when they are jealous
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they NEVER laugh at
the way you throw)
Dogs do not feel threatened by your intelligence
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
You are never suspicious of your dogs dreams
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. OK, the WORST
disease is rabies, but there is a vaccine for it, and you get to kill
the one that gives it to you
Dogs understand what NO means
Dogs understand when some of their friends can not come inside
Middle-aged dogs do not feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner
Dogs admit it when they are lost
Dogs are colour blind
Dogs are not threatened if you earn more than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you

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Mix & Match of Sex Jokes Times

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = marriage
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

The Auction Jokes Times

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

A Women Little Instruction Book Jokes Times

Woman don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you’re sick of him.

Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

The woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high.

Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

Men are all the same — they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a man with manners — he gets out of the bath to pee.

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men — strong, caring, loving — they’d be wrong but you could still use them.

Men are like animals — messy, insensitive and potentially violent — but they make great pets.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”.

Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.

Visit to the Doctor Jokes Times

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

The Dentist Jokes TImes

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”

“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“Didn’t feel a thing!”

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