Sunday, October 17, 2021
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Talk

The Points System Jokes Times

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES :

You make the bed………………………………………+1.
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows….0.
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets………………-1.

You leave the toilet seat up …………………………..-5.
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………….0.
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1.
Then the Kleenex runs out you use the downstairs bathroom….-2.

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings….+5.
At midnight…………………………………………..+8.
In the snow………………………………………….+12.
But return with beer…………………………………..-5.
An hour later………………………………………..-15.

You check out a suspicious noise at night………………..0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing…………0.
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something……….+5.
You pummel it with a six iron………………………….+10.
It’s her cat /dog…………………………………….-10.

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side the entire party…………………….0.
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy………………………..-2.
Named Tiffany………………………………………-4.
Tiffany is a dancer ………………………………..-6.
Tiffany has implants………………………………..-8.

HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner………………………………0.
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar………+1.
Okay, it is a sports bar……………………………….-2.
And it’s all-you-can-eat night …………………………-3.
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team……………..-10.

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS:

Go out with a pal……………………………………..-5.
The pal is happily married……………………………..-4.
Or frighteningly single………………………………..-7.
And he drives a Mustang……………………………….-10.
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)……………-15.

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie………………………………..+2.
You take her to a movie she likes ………………………+4.
You take her to a movie you hate………………………..+6.
You take her to a movie you like………………………..-2.
It’s called Death Cop 3………………………………..-3.
Which features cyborgs that eat humans ………………….-9.
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…….-15.

PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………-15.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…..+10.
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian shirts……………………………..-30.
You say “It doesn’t matter, you have one too”…………..-800.

THE BIG QUESTION:

She asks, “Do I look fat?”.

You hesitate in responding………………………..-10.
You reply, “Where?”………………………………-35.
Any other response……………………………….-20.

COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem :

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…..0.
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5.
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+100.
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-200.

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Baby Camel Jokes Times

A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?”

The mother replied, “Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes will help us stay on top of the soft sand.”

Two minutes later the young camel asked, “Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?”

They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through the desert,” the mother said.

“Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?”

“They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods of time.”

“So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water.”

“Yes dear,” said the mother.

“So why are we in the San Diego Zoo?”

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Best not to Boast Jokes Times

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He Became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes For his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?”

One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..

What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”

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Miracle Pills Jokes Times

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra.

The other wasn’t familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, “It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30.”

The second then asked, “Can you get it over the counter?”

“You probably could, if you took 2 pills”, said the first man.

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Hi-Tech Jokes Times

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers…like a telephone…on his open hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here. The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “prove it.” The guy dials up a number and extends his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “Thats incredible!” said the bartender.” I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy. “I can keep in touch with my broker,my wife, you name it. By the ways where is the mens room?” The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the nature of the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s rest room to check on the guy. The guy is spread eagled up against the wall. His pants are rolled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. “Oh my God!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?” The guy turns and say’s “No, no I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”

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Status Update Jokes Times

A little old lady, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, says, “Hello, darling, I’d like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.”

“Do you know the patient’s name and room number?”

“Yes, darling! She’s Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.”

“Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she’s going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr.. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

“Thank God! That’s wonderful! That’s fantastic, darling!… That’s wonderful news!”

“You must be a very close friend!”

“No, I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen doesn’t tell me shit!”

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