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Friday, April 19, 2024
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Talk

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Tough Mice Jokes Times

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams down a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it’s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut ’em up, and snort ’em just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?” The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to f*ck the cat.”

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Things Mother Taught Me... Jokes Times

My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.”

And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

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Stages of Marriage Jokes Times

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

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Benefits of Being a Woman Jokes Times

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we crash our computers.

Our boy friend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

Taxis stop for us.

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the picture).

We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE are gay.

We know The Truth about whether size matters.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

If we have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, we’re not the devil.

If we’re not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.

Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep (Ouch)

It’s possible to live our whole lives without taking a group shower.

No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.

We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

If we’re dumb, some people will still find it cute.

We don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to socially fit in.

We have the ability to dress ourselves – and coordinate.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. (Weeeeeelllll…..that depends!)

Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

There are times when chocolate really can solve your problems.

Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

We’ll never discover we’ve been dumped by a Wonderbra.

If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

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