At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.
“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
“HA,” he snorted, “The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!”
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. “There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.”
“That’s not your chest!” he roars back. “Damn right it’s my chest,” she argued.
“Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest.
AND IF YOU DON’T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!”
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.