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House

Deaf

Jun 5, 2021

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A man goes to his doctor, seat just infront of the doctor and says, “I think my wife’s hearing is failing and not as good as it used to be, what should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a questions, if she doesn’t respond, keep moving closer asking the same question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stand about fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet, still no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” His wife replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!”

Things Mother Taught Me…

Jun 5, 2021

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My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.”

And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

Canine Unit

Jun 5, 2021

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The police department, famous for its superior canine (K-9) unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.

Returning home from work a lady was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash the lady ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, ‘I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!’

A Military Cargo Plane

Jun 5, 2021

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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.

The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.

They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off.

Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying. They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head! “They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head! “They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.

They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”

That’s the Spirit

Jun 5, 2021

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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”

A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'”

The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”

He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

Who’s Phone???

Jun 5, 2021

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A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

“Hi honey,” said the woman on the other end. “Hi honey,” replied the man.

“I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It’s beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It’s on sale too, a real bargain. It’s down to $2,000 from $4,000. Can I get it?” the woman asked. The man thought about it for a sec and said, “You’re sure it’s a good deal?” “Oh yes,” the woman replied. “Okay then, I guess you can get it,” replied the man.

The woman continued, “Oh, and you know how we’ve been thinking about rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he’d lower the price from $200,000 to $180,000 just for me. Can I get it?” The man thought a little harder and said, “If you’re sure it’s a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar.”

The woman continued again, “Oh, one last thing honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we’d wait and think about? Well, it’s on the market again, so I checked the price. It’s down to $980,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?”

The man got a frown on his face and said, “See if you can get down to $950,000. If they’ll go down to that, go ahead and get it.” The woman was extremely excited. “Okay honey, thank you so much! I’ll see you when I get home! Bye!”

“Bye,” said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”