Saturday, May 3, 2025
Tags Posts tagged with "House"

House

Leave Me Alone Jokes Times

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”

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Lucky Saucer Jokes Times

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

He does a double take, as he notices that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable. He walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.” The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.”

And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat. The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me having to get a dish.”

And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

Grandmas Boyfriend Jokes Times

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.

The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

Expensive Date Jokes Times

A horny college kid borrowed his roommate’s car, scraped together every penny he could find, picked up his date at her parent’s house, and took her to a nice restaurant for dinner. But he got more and more upset when she proceeded to order everything pricey on the menu: fancy mixed drinks, lobster, champagne, the works.

Finally, he couldn’t stay silent any more, and blurted, “Does your mother feed you like this at home?”

“Nope,” she replied with a demure smile, “but my mom’s not trying to get laid either.”

Power Outage Jokes Times

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place……… smack his ass again!”

Better Choices Jokes Times

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”

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