One day, this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. “What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy “and now she isn’t talking to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while. “But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender. ” Yeah, except today is the last night.
In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very high and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.
In Austria, adults smoke 2 packs of cigarettes per day, on average.
Conclusion: Drink, eat, smoke and screw all you want. It’s speaking English that kills you.
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”
“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”
A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See there, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of Dynamite!” She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, “See those, baby? That’s 1000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?”
She replies, “With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”
A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck.
He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, “Who’s in the lounge?” The bartender replies. “15 people playing darts.” The man says, “Get them a pint too.”
Then he asks, “Who’s upstairs?”
The bartender replies, “150 people at the disco.
“The man says, “Get them a drink too.”
The bartender says, “That will be $328 please.
“The man says, “Sorry but I haven’t got that much money on me.”
The bartender says, “If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.”
The man says, “I’ve all ready been there.”
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:’God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.’ The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, ‘I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.’
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: ‘God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.’
The next day the grandmother died. ‘Holy **** ‘ thought the father,this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: ‘God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.’
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said ‘I’ve never seen you work so late,what’s the matter?’
He said ‘I don’t want to talk about it; I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.’
She said, ‘You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!
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