After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.
“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”
“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up to dry.”
Dear Tide:
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.
After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!! I thank you once again for a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard.
The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
“Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.”
“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
They had been at each other’s throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
The Queen of England is touring an American Hospital with the Surgeon General.
As they walk through the corridors she looks into a patient’s room. In the room, is a man laying on his bed masturbating. “Oh my stars! What on earth is going on in there?!” exclaimed the Queen.
The Surgeon General replied, “Why mam, this man has a serious testicle disorder, if he does not relieve himself this way at least five times a day, they will fill up with semen and explode.” “Oh, the poor dear!” the Queen said sorrowfully.
Further up the hall the queen looks into another patient’s room and there is a man laying on his bed with a nurse giving him a blow job!
“That’s disgusting!” exclaimed the queen, “What’s going on in there?!”
The Surgeon General replied, “same problem, better health plan.”
Don’t you wish when life is bad and things just don’t compute that all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok life could be so sweet if we had those special keys ctrl and alt delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she’s just mute. Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot.
You’d like to have another job you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start anew ctrl and alt delete.
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