I’ve Got One of These

Jun 6, 2021

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A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, “*I* have one of these and you *don’t*.” The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once Again the boy points to his private parts and says, “*I* have one of these and you *don’t*.” But the little girl just keeps on playing.

“How come you’re not crying today,” asks the boy.

“My mother told me,” says the little girl, pulling up her dress, “that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want.”

Helpline – Computer

Jun 6, 2021

0 221

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…

Ouch, My Balls Hurts

Jun 6, 2021

0 152

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo’s through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

The bartender yells, “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

The drunk responds, “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!

Extras Extras Read All About It

Jun 6, 2021

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Extras Extras Read All About It Jokes Times

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of paper, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.

Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.”

The newsboy ignored him and went on, yelling out, “Read all about it, Fifty-one people swindled! Fifty-one people swindled!”

I’m Afraid Not

Jun 6, 2021

0 1180

A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer.

The waiter says, “I am sorry but we can’t serve strings here.

“The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair.

He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, “Waiter, give me a beer.”

The waiter says, “Hey aren’t you the string who came in here earlier. “The string replies, “No, I’m a fraid knot.”

Virus Alert

Jun 6, 2021

0 229

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!

Monica Lewinsky virus……..Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Lorena Bobbit virus……….Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Ellen Degeneres virus……..Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus…….Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Woody Allen virus………By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

Joey Buttafuoco virus……..Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets

Dr. Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus……..Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus……..Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS- You’re in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.