My left nipple is bigger than my right one. I call my good nipple, “the right nipple”.
Nipples
Execution
Three men are about to be executed for crimes. Two guards bring the first man forward, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. He says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly the first man yells, “Earthquake!” Everyone is startled and lie flat on the floor. During this time, the first man that was suppose to be executed, free himself and ran away.
After the commotion, the executioner then realise that the man had escaped and they are unable to find him. So he proceed to execution. The guards bring in the second man. The executioner asks if he has any last request, and he replies no. The executioner then shouts “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly, the second man screams, “Tornado!” Yet again, everyone is startled and lie flat onto the ground and protect themselves. During this time, the second man also free himself and ran away.
Soon after the commotion, the executioner realise again that the second man had escaped and they are unable to find him. So he proceed with the execution again. The guards then bring in the third man. The executioner asks if he has any last request, and he replies no. The executioner then shouts “Ready… Aim…” Suddenly, the third man shouts, “FIRE!”
I Wanna Be Weighed
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
“What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy,” said the girl.
Fifty Years of Savings
The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.
This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”
“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money.
Walking the Dog
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.”
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where ‘s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
Mongo and his Goldfish
One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate.
“Whatcha doin?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.”
“That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?” asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your f*ckin’ cat!’
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