Sunday, March 24, 2019
Tags Posts tagged with "Newspaper"

Newspaper

Marital Bliss Jokes Times

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said “That’s once.”

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said “That’s once.”

Woooooo Wooooo Jokes Times

There were two Indians and a Cowboy walking along together in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a steep hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the entrance,”Woooooo! Woooooo! and then listened very closely until he heard an answer…”Woooooo! Woooooo!”. He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Cowboy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. “Was that Indian goofy or something?”

“No”, said the other Indian. “It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, “Woooooo! Woooooo!” and get an answer back, that means she is in there waiting for you.”

Well, just about that time the other Indian spotted another cave. He took off, ran to the cave, stopped and hollered, “Woooooo! Woooooo!” When he heard a reply, “Woooooo! Woooooo!” off came his clothes and into the cave he goes. The Cowboy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. Suddenly he looked up and saw this great big cave. He was amazed at the size and thought, “Man! It’s bigger than the caves those Indians found. There must be something special in this cave!”

Well, he darted up the hill at great speed with hopes of grandeur. He got in front of the cave and yelled, “Woooooo! Woooooo!”. He was thrilled when he heard the answering call of “Woooooo! Woooooo!”He quickly took off his clothes. With a happy face he raced into the cave.

The headlines in the next day’s newspaper read: Naked Cowboy Run Over By Freight Train!

Great News Jokes Times

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said. The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!”, Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

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Contraceptive 98 Jokes Times

News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive 98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive 98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive 98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

At installation, the Condom 98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

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True Doctor Stories Jokes TImes

–Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that the had died of a “massive internal fart.”

–Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.Now both,” I requested . There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

–Dr. Matthew The odropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?” I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

–Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, “How long have you been bed-ridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”

–Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So,how’s your breakfast this morning?” It’s very good, except for theKentucky Jelly I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled”KY Jelly.”

–Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?”She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ‘I wishI was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.”

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Who has the Smarter Dog Jokes Times

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter….

First Woman : “My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman : “I know…”

First Woman : “How?”

Second Woman : “My dog told me.”

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