Saturday, April 27, 2024
Tags Posts tagged with "Afterlife"

Afterlife

Tailor Knows All Jokes Times

Rich was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his work relationships and social life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches…the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Rich was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a 40 Regular.” Rich laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Rich admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Rich thought for a moment and then said, “Sure…”

The salesman eyed Rich and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and…16 and a half neck.” Rich was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Rich adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Rich was on a roll and said, “Sure…”

The salesman eyed Rich’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half.” Rich was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

Rich tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Rich walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”

Without hesitating, Rich said, “Sure!”

The salesman eyed Rich’s head and said, “Let’s see…7 and 5/8ths.” Rich was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job.”

The hat fit perfectly. Rich was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Rich thought for a second and said, “Sure…” The salesman stepped back, eyed Rich’s waist and said, “Let’s see…you are a 38.”

Rich laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”

Cattle Ranch Jokes Times

An Easterner has always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

“So what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.

“We had a hell of a time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.”

“Wow!” His friend was impressed. “So where are all the cows?”

“None of them survived the branding.”

The Facelift Jokes Times

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!”

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”

Three Nurses Jokes TImes

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

Pick Up Lines Jokes TImes

1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs…what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package

5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 

10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. Are those real?

17. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

18. You can feel the magic between us…No, lower!

19. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

20. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya. 

21. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 

22. (Look down at your crotch) It’s not just going to suck itself.

23. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.

24. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

26. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. 

27. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.

28. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

29. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

30. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

31. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 

32. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 

33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 

34. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

35. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don’t like pizza? 

36. I may not be Dairy Queen but I’ll treat you right.

37. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me. 

38. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

39. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

40. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

41. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says “Made in Heaven”

0 184
Nice Touch Jokes Times

At The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance.

A cat shows up. St Peter says “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”

Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”

St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates,
please?” St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. “Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

YOU MAY LIKE

Terrible Accident Jokes Times

0 187
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine...
Expensive Date Jokes Times

The Doctor's Advice Jokes TImes

The Bathtub Test Jokes Times

Better Choices Jokes Times

FACEBOOK

4,844FansLike