Saturday, February 23, 2019
Marriage Jokes

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Anniversary Jokes Times

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

“Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?”

“And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?”

“Yes, of course,” she replied.

“Well, I would have been released tonight.”

Three Kinds of Sex Jokes Times

My aunt used to tell me there were three kinds of sex in a marriage. There was exciting sex, necessary sex, and hallway sex. “Exciting sex is when you’re first married and you can’t wait to get at each other. Necessary sex is after you’ve been married for seven or eight years and it’s more of a chore than anything else.

Hallway sex is after you’ve been married for thirty or forty years and you pass each other in the hallway and say “Fuck you!”

The Question Jokes TImes

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”

“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy.”

“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

Sex Drive Jokes Times

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

Marital Bliss Jokes Times

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said “That’s once.”

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said “That’s once.”

Stop Screwing Jokes Times

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.

The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. “This is wonderful! Now we’ll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts.” The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: “Hey, no screwing!”

They look at each other and yell back: “We’re not screwing!” A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: “Heeey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: “Hey, I said no screwing!!” They yell back, “And we said we’re not screwing!!”

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”

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