Thursday, November 23, 2017
Marriage Jokes

Sex Drive Jokes Times

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

Cigarette Run Jokes Times

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some
talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been!”?

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this lovely lady and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

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Graveside Grief Jokes Times

A man had just placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and had started to walk back to his car when his attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a nearby grave.

He seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept wailing, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

Approaching the mourner he said, “Sir, I don`t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I`ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?”

“My wife’s first husband!!”

The Love Dress Jokes Times

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

“What are you doing,” the mother-in-law asked.

“I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law replied.

“Why are you naked,” asked the mother-in-law.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law replied.

“LOVE DRESS! You are naked,” said the mother-in-law.

“But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,” said the daughter-in-law. “I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,” the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the “LOVE DRESS” and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally, the pickup truck drove up the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

“What are you doing,” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” the mother-in-law replied.

“Needs ironing,” he replied.

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Private Detective Jokes Times

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

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Remove a Curse Jokes Times

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a ‘Curse’ he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says “maybe, but you will to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

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