Thursday, November 23, 2017
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Baby Planes Jokes Times

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother said, “Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess.”

So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you.

I have Got One of These Jokes Times

A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, “*I* have one of these and you *don’t*.” The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once Again the boy points to his private parts and says, “*I* have one of these and you *don’t*.” But the little girl just keeps on playing.

“How come you’re not crying today,” asks the boy.

“My mother told me,” says the little girl, pulling up her dress, “that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want.”

Sex Drive Jokes Times

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

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Virus Alert Jokes Times

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!!

Monica Lewinsky virus……..Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Lorena Bobbit virus……….Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Ellen Degeneres virus……..Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus…….Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Woody Allen virus………By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.

Joey Buttafuoco virus……..Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets

Dr. Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus……..Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus……..Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C.

AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS- You’re in Chicago but your data is in Singapore.

STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before.

TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Cigarette Run Jokes Times

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some
talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious.

“Where the hell have you been!”?

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this lovely lady and I slept with her.”

“Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

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A Kinder, Gentler System Jokes Times

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new notebook PC. Instead of producing the cryptic error message characteristic of Microsoft’s operating systems, Sony’s president said,”We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been-until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry.” The chairmanwent on to give examples of Sony’s new error messages:

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you’re seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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