Saturday, February 27, 2021
Tags Posts tagged with "Party"

Party

Talented Hamster Jokes Times

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. “If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.

Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. “Are you nuts?” asks the bartender.

“You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.” “Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Railroad Jokes Times

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He’d never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn’t know what it was. Predictably, he’s hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he’s at his friend’s house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what’s happened and asks the desert man, “Why’d you ruin my good tea kettle?”

The desert man replies, “Man, you gotta kill these things when they’re small.”

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Why Men Prefer Dogs Over Women Jokes Times

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don’t cry.

A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

Dogs don’t shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog’s disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog’s parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It’s legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs can’t talk.

Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

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Pianists Monkey Jokes Times

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies, “The piano player”. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?”

The pianist replies, “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”

Nuts Jokes Times

A DOCTOR at an asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his nutty patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled: “Up nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up.

After the anthem he yelled: “Down Nuts!” And they all sat. After a home run he yelled: “Cheer nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied: “Well…everything was fine until some vendor walked by and yelled, `PEANUTS!’.”

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Getting the most from your I.T. department Joeks Times

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee.That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.

7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

9. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.

10. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.

12. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

14. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice : “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?”. That motivates us.

15. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times.Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

16. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

17. Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy blew up”.

18. Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

21. When you get a message saying “Are you sure?” click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you ?

22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, callI.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.

25. When you can’t find someone in the government directory, call I.T.Support.

26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T.Support. We love to hack.

27. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretariat call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.

28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone asa mail attachment. We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.

29. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: “Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWNone floor?!?” That’s another one that cracks us up no end.

31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company.People out in Birmingham like to keep abreast of what’s going on.

32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on aSaturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

33. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,leave the documentation at home. We’ll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

35. In no way do we believe that end-users are ungrateful. It hurts our feelings that one could even think such a thing on the basis of the above statements. In truth we wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of wonderful end-users portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

Your friendly computer guy.

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