Friday, March 29, 2024
Tags Posts tagged with "Money"

Money

Barn Burning Jokes Times

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM Jokes Times

Man going to ATM

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Insert card
  3. Enter PIN number
  4. Take cash, card, and receipt
  5. Walk away

Woman going to ATM

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
  3. Shut off engine
  4. Put keys in purse
  5. Get out of car because she is to far from machine
  6. Hunt for card in purse
  7. Insert card
  8. Locate grocery receipt in purse with PIN number
  9. Enter PIN
  10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
  11. Hit “cancel”
  12. Reenter Correct PIN number
  13. Check balance
  14. Look for envelope
  15. Go through purse for ink pen
  16. Make out deposit slip
  17. Study instructions again
  18. Endorse check
  19. Make deposit
  20. Make cash withdrawal
  21. Get back into car
  22. Check makeup in mirror
  23. Look for keys in purse
  24. Start car
  25. Check makeup again
  26. Start pulling away from ATM
  27. Stop
  28. Back up to machine
  29. Get out of car
  30. Retrieve card and receipt
  31. Get back into car
  32. Put card in wallet
  33. Put receipt in checkbook
  34. Enter deposit and withdrawal into checkbook
  35. Clear space in purse for wallet and checkbook
  36. Check makeup
  37. Put car in reverse
  38. Put car in drive
  39. Drive away from machine
  40. Drive 3 miles down the road
  41. Release the parking brake

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM Jokes Times

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Be on the Lookout for these Despicable Viruses Jokes Times

Be on the lookout for these despicable viruses. No current virus-protection software can even detect these, much less help your system once they are on it. Beware!!!

Woody Allen Virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Ollie North Virus: Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuaco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Michael Jackson Virus: Preys on child processes.

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

Jane Fonda Virus: Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Deathbed Request Jokes Times

A man lying on his deathbed requested that his wife gather up all his money and place it in the attic. He would pick it up on his way out of this life.

Being the faithful, loving wife she had been for over 50 years, she did as she was told. Soon, the man died.

Weeks later, she remembered his request and went to the attic to see if he had followed through.

There, in the same place where she had left it, was the money. “I knew it,” she exclaimed, “I should have put it in the basement.”

Fifty Years of Savings Jokes Times

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin’ great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, “Honey, I can’t figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What’s wrong?”

“That guy double-crossed me,” the bride said. “He told me he’d saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money.

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