Wednesday, September 23, 2020
Tags Posts tagged with "Money"

Money

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Outhouse Jokes Times

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

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Remember The Days Jokes Times

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note

A window was something you hated to clean…

Ram was the cousin of a goat…

Meg was the name of my girlfriend

Gig was a job for the nights

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age

A cd was a bank account

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file

If you unzipped anything in public, you’ be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider’s home

A virus was the flu

I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they wish they were dead

Barn Burning Jokes Times

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM Jokes Times

Man going to ATM

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Insert card
  3. Enter PIN number
  4. Take cash, card, and receipt
  5. Walk away

Woman going to ATM

  1. Pull up to ATM
  2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
  3. Shut off engine
  4. Put keys in purse
  5. Get out of car because she is to far from machine
  6. Hunt for card in purse
  7. Insert card
  8. Locate grocery receipt in purse with PIN number
  9. Enter PIN
  10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
  11. Hit “cancel”
  12. Reenter Correct PIN number
  13. Check balance
  14. Look for envelope
  15. Go through purse for ink pen
  16. Make out deposit slip
  17. Study instructions again
  18. Endorse check
  19. Make deposit
  20. Make cash withdrawal
  21. Get back into car
  22. Check makeup in mirror
  23. Look for keys in purse
  24. Start car
  25. Check makeup again
  26. Start pulling away from ATM
  27. Stop
  28. Back up to machine
  29. Get out of car
  30. Retrieve card and receipt
  31. Get back into car
  32. Put card in wallet
  33. Put receipt in checkbook
  34. Enter deposit and withdrawal into checkbook
  35. Clear space in purse for wallet and checkbook
  36. Check makeup
  37. Put car in reverse
  38. Put car in drive
  39. Drive away from machine
  40. Drive 3 miles down the road
  41. Release the parking brake

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM Jokes Times

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Be on the Lookout for these Despicable Viruses Jokes Times

Be on the lookout for these despicable viruses. No current virus-protection software can even detect these, much less help your system once they are on it. Beware!!!

Woody Allen Virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Ollie North Virus: Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuaco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Michael Jackson Virus: Preys on child processes.

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

Jane Fonda Virus: Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

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