A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, “Well it’s what Mommy calls me sometimes.” The little girl screamed to her brother, “Don’t eat it. Its an asshole!
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it!”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!”
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper and enjoying his breakfast peacefully one morning, when suddenly his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: “What was that for?”
Wife: “what was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written in it?”
Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse race? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife looked all satisfied with the answer and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later, the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and suddenly his wife repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: “What the hell was that for this time?”
Wife: “Your horse called.”
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. “Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” Graduate replied.
“Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible.” Employer offered.
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?” “Yeah. But you started it.”
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy, “Paddy, I’ve got a problem.” says Murphy
“What’s the matter?” replies Paddy.
“I’ve bought a jigsaw and it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can’t find any edges.” Said Murphy.
“What’s the picture of?” asks Paddy.
“It’s of a big rooster,” Murphy replies.
Paddy says, “Alright, Murphy, I’ll come over and have a look.”
He gets to Murphy’s house and Murphy opens the door. “Oh thanks for coming Paddy.” He leads Paddy into the kitchen and show him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, “For God’s sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet.”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and motar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.” She replied.
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and never really need one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
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