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Bar

The Ladies Room

Jun 6, 2021

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him.” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”

You sound exactly like her

Jun 6, 2021

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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife.

You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Unbelievable

Jun 6, 2021

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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

“Why, of course,” comes the reply.

The first man then asks,”Where are you from?”

“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.

The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”

“Of course,” says the second.

Curious the first asks: “Where in Ireland?”

“Dublin,” comes the reply.

“I can’t believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin.”

“Of course”

The second man can’t help himself so he asks,”What school did you go too?”

“Saint Mary’s”, replies the first man. “I graduated in ’62”

“This is becoming unbelievable!!!” They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s up?” he asks the bartender.

“Nothing much,” replied the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

Man falling off his stool in a bar

Jun 6, 2021

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Man falling off his stool in a bar Jokes Times

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.

He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.

They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man. The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”

Oh no, not that Nun again

Jun 6, 2021

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John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. “How do you know this, Sister?”

“My Mother Superior told me so.”

“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.

“The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. “Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”

Perfect Mate

Jun 6, 2021

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At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. “The man I marry must be a shining light among company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!”

A cynical male listener overheard and spoke up, “Lady, what you really want is a television set!”