Tractor Dealer

Jun 5, 2021

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Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.

Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. “Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”

“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this….” “I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.

Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters.

Then I got back to work.” “I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.”

“Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?” “Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya….!”

Extra Water

Jun 5, 2021

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An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water.

“That way,” he said, “You get an extra day out of them between drinks.

“As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel’s balls. The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days’ extra water.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” asked a tourist. “Nah,” replied the bloke. “Only if you get your fingers caught!”

Cross-eyed Rottweiler

Jun 5, 2021

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A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” said the vet, “lets have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

“Hmm,” says the vet, “I’m going to have to put him down” “Just because he’s cross-eyed?” says the man.

“No, because he’s heavy,” says the vet.

The Liar Horse

Jun 5, 2021

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A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.

“Yes sir, I’m a fine horse. I’ve run in 25 races and won over 5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn.

“The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse’s owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

“Oh, you don’t want that horse,” said the farmer. “Yes I do,” said the salesman, “and I’ll give you $10,000 for the horse.

“Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, “He’s yours.”

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, “By the way, why wouldn’t I want your horse?” “Because,” said the farmer, “he’s a liar – he hasn’t won a race in his life.”

Blind Dog on a Plane

Jun 5, 2021

0 96

John was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time the plane took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, they stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if they wanted to get off the aircraft, they would re-board in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. John noticed him as he walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

John could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?”

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

At Home Sick

Jun 5, 2021

0 307

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.

“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.

“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”