A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. “Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?”
“Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.
“But then when I have a baby,” the teenager pondered, “won’t it knock all my teeth out?”
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.
Marriage is one long conversation, checkered by disputes.
No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.
If you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job.
Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old; it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it’s time to get up.
Many a women who thinks she has purchased a dress for the ridiculous price has actually bought it for an absurd figure.
When a man says it’s a silly, childish game, it’s probably something his wife can beat him at.
You can always tell a house with young boys in it. You have to wash the soap before you can use it.
Nowadays the pay check that arrives none too soon, is too soon none.
A woman is like a tea bag: you never know her strength until she is in hot water.
Almost every child would learn to write sooner if allowed to do his homework on wet cement.
Women like the simpler things in life – like men.
Robbers demand your money or your life; women require both.
Children aren’t happy without something to ignore; and that’s what parents were created for.
It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a mans to stay unmarried as long as he can.
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said,”You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is with alcohol.This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Debbi, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,”Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said “Please give me a prescription for the Pill.”
“I don’t think you need the Pill at your age.”
“It relaxes me.”
“But you know the ‘purpose’ of the Pill. It’s not for relaxing,” exclaimed the physician.
“I know,” said Mrs Ogden, “but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.
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