Out Gathering Snails

Jun 5, 2021

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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.”

He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, than he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

Problems, Problems, Problems

Jun 5, 2021

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Problems, Problems, Problems Jokes TImes

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

His father replied, “Don’t you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

“No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible,and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

“Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.” “No, you don’t understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

“Oh, my,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

Heart Condition

Jun 5, 2021

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An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman’s doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again – the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.

Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he’d better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs – she’s coming downstairs, he’s heading up.

“Honey, I have a confession to make,” the woman says, her voice quavering. “I was about to commit suicide.” “I’m glad to hear it, sweetie,” the man says, “because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!”

What was the Name

Jun 5, 2021

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Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husband in the back.

Herb says to Sam, “Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too.”

Sam say, “Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?”

Herb says’ “You’ll going to have to help me out a little. What’s the name of the pretty flower, smell sweet, grows on the thorny bush?”

Sam says, “How about rose?”

“Yes, yes, that’s it!” cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. “Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?”

Three Kinds of Sex

Jun 5, 2021

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My aunt used to tell me there were three kinds of sex in a marriage. There was exciting sex, necessary sex, and hallway sex. “Exciting sex is when you’re first married and you can’t wait to get at each other. Necessary sex is after you’ve been married for seven or eight years and it’s more of a chore than anything else.

Hallway sex is after you’ve been married for thirty or forty years and you pass each other in the hallway and say “Fuck you!”

Genie Lamp along a Beach

Jun 5, 2021

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A man walking along a beach finds a lamp, picks it up, rubs it and this genie pops out. The genie says, “For releasing I shall grant you one wish!”

The man thinks for a minute, and says, “I want you to build a expressway to Hawaii. I’m scare of flying and tend to get seasick.” The Genie replies, “My friend, do you realize how hard it will take to do that? First of all, there will be a lot of material involved. In addition, there would need to have a lot of rest stops and petrol stations. Also, it will interfere with the shipping lands. I’m sorry, but I think it is impossible. Please choose another wish!”

The man thinks again for another minute and says, “I want to be able to understand all women.” The genie pauses for a moment and says, “So, for the expressway, do you want it in two lanes or four? And how many rest stops and petrol station do you want?”