My aunt used to tell me there were three kinds of sex in a marriage. There was exciting sex, necessary sex, and hallway sex. “Exciting sex is when you’re first married and you can’t wait to get at each other. Necessary sex is after you’ve been married for seven or eight years and it’s more of a chore than anything else.
Hallway sex is after you’ve been married for thirty or forty years and you pass each other in the hallway and say “Fuck you!”
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling putout at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked,”Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again, the small voice whispered, “No”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,”May I speak with the policeman?”
“No he’s busy” said the little voice.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman.” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?!” asked the boss, now getting alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked,”What are they searching for?!”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me!”
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”
The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.” The student replied, “Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said “That’s once.”
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said “That’s once.”
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy ..
… you just hoped nobody ever found out!!
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