Contraceptive 98

Jun 5, 2021

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News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive 98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive 98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive 98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

At installation, the Condom 98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

Crossing the Road

Jun 5, 2021

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Michael and Ed are about to cross the lights while the traffic lights buzzes when it is safe to cross. Ed asked Michael if he knew what the buzzer was for. Michael explained that it signal to blind people when the light is red. Ed responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving around!”

The Honeymoon’s Over

Jun 5, 2021

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A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!”

Pearls Necklace

Jun 5, 2021

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A snobbish tourist was visiting a small Australian village when he noticed a local man wearing a highly ornate necklace that featured 10 alligator teeth.

He approached the man and in a condescending manner said, “Goodness, what a fancy necklace! I guess you people must value alligator teeth the same way my people value pearls.”

The man replied, “Well,anyone can open up an oyster.”

Absolutely Nothing

Jun 5, 2021

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

Two Argument Tourists

Jun 5, 2021

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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?

The girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiiing.