A doctor was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So, how’s your breakfast this morning?”
“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.
The doctor finds it funny and asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
These 2 hunters was hunting one day and this one hunter fainted. The other hunter didn’t know what to do, so he called 911.
When the person answered the hunter told them that his partner was dead. The person on the other end said calm down and make sure your partner was dead
Awhile later, the person on the phone heard a gun shot and the hunter came back on the line and said “OK, he is dead for sure”, what’s next?
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn’t go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, “We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?”
“Sure,” said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, “Now go out and play.”
When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?”
The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.”
“We’re not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.”
“We’re not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you.”
The littlest one said, “Didn’t you smell that water!”
“Yeah! What do you think that means?”
“I think it means we’re Pisscopalians.”
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams down a shot and says, “I play with mouse traps for fun. I’ll run into one on purpose and as it’s closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.” And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, “That’s nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut ’em up, and snort ’em just for the fun of it.” And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, “Where the hell are you going?” The third mouse stops and replies, “I’m going home to f*ck the cat.”
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“Come on, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”
Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, then he started to count on fingers “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.”
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