“Cash, cheque or card?” I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.”
A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”
The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, “May I please have those roses?”
“What happened?” the first man asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”
“It’s even worse than that,” the second man confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive.”
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it!”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!”
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper and enjoying his breakfast peacefully one morning, when suddenly his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: “What was that for?”
Wife: “what was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written in it?”
Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse race? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
The wife looked all satisfied with the answer and goes off to work around the house.
Three days later, the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and suddenly his wife repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: “What the hell was that for this time?”
Wife: “Your horse called.”
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy, “Paddy, I’ve got a problem.” says Murphy
“What’s the matter?” replies Paddy.
“I’ve bought a jigsaw and it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can’t find any edges.” Said Murphy.
“What’s the picture of?” asks Paddy.
“It’s of a big rooster,” Murphy replies.
Paddy says, “Alright, Murphy, I’ll come over and have a look.”
He gets to Murphy’s house and Murphy opens the door. “Oh thanks for coming Paddy.” He leads Paddy into the kitchen and show him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, “For God’s sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet.”
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs,” and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”
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